Do you remember that day I was kvetching about having to do a couple of rewrites? I’ve given up on one of them, which I mentioned at the end of that post, but I did finally finish the other one. You can read it at The Lit Pub. It’s about how I got into Jeanette Winterson, which was partly because of a class and mostly because there was this one really stupid boy.
Of course there was.
It’s been live for a couple of weeks, and I’m okay with that. I’ve thought about it a lot, and talked about it a few times, about how I don’t really like writing about deeply personal (potentially embarrassing) things. As much as I worry about making a fool of myself in front of others, there’s another layer of concern when it comes to writing – there’s the risk of outing someone else within a story.
This has been on my mind for the last week or so because of the whole Marie Calloway/”Adrien Brody”/Tao Lin thing. A lot of very smart people have written excellent essays on why Calloway’s story is problematic (I recommend Roxane Gay’s essay at HTMLGiant and Alana Noel Voth’s essay at PANK) and I really don’t have much to add to the conversations about being asked to accept something that apparently really happened as a work of fiction, and all the sexual politics of young women and older men/mentor and student relationships/starfucking. The one idea that won’t go away is the one about how our stories don’t exist in a vacuum. Once we write about ourselves, other people find their way in. That’s just how life works.
In Marie Calloway’s case, she wrote about her own long-distance boyfriend and the famous guy she slept with and by extension, the famous guy’s girlfriend. Everything started to spiral out of control because when Calloway first wrote about it, she posted it on her blog as fact – with real names, phone numbers, email addresses. That post has since disappeared, but I’m sure there is someone out there who is crafty enough to resurrect it. Sometime last month, it resurfaced on Tao Lin’s website labeled as fiction; the names and phone numbers and email addresses were all edited, either changed (hence “Adrien Brody”) or left as a series of x’s.
Calloway has gotten a fair amount of attention for the story, a considerable amount of that attention being positive it-girl chatter. I’m really not sure why. Putting aside her stylistic choices, I think it’s monumentally unfair and plain old selfish to just put that shit out there like it’s no big deal. Part of the story’s allure is that the real identity of “Adrien Brody” is obvious to people who are in the know. I must not be one of those people, but that’s okay. If people know who this guy really is, then it probably isn’t too hard to figure out who the girlfriend really is.
That’s just too intrusive. She didn’t ask for this kind of attention. She also didn’t ask for a 20-year-old girl to want to fuck her 40-year-old boyfriend. There’s a comment on an interview with Calloway that talks about the girlfriend writing to an advice column about the situation (this post was also retracted soon after publication) and it was apparently a pretty heartbreaking letter. I can’t even begin to imagine that level of pain; not only was her relationship ruined, but people are applauding the girl who did it as a budding literary superstar (and yes, it completely grinds my gears that no one is holding the famous guy accountable; after all, it does take two to have an affair).
All in all, Calloway has created a really tangled situation that people will probably talk about and try to pick apart for a little while. When the story first posted, the responses were more along the lines of excitement over juicy gossip. Now, it looks like people are stepping back and examining the whole situation more critically. This has been my sticking point for a long time. Isn’t it enough to keep some stories to yourself? Keep the memories and let their impact be felt in other ways.
Which brings me back to Jeanette and me being 19 and stuck on a boy who had some problems. This is all anyone really needs to know for my essay to make any sense. If you know me well enough, you know the gory details, but the essay isn’t about those details. Knowing that information doesn’t make the essay any better, and not knowing doesn’t make it worse.
I honestly don’t know what is gained by exposing other people through writing. Sometimes, I’m fairly certain I don’t understand ultra-confessional writing in general. A lot of it smacks of attention-seeking, especially those examples that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. Unless you’re already in the habit of being discreet, your stories will eventually spill over into other people’s lives and that can get really messy.
At some point, it’s not just about what you wrote and how you intended it to be understood; if someone feels wronged by it, you have no control over their reaction. Or the audience’s reaction. Is it worth it? I’m not sure. I’m generally a risk-averse, attention-averse person, so the thought of leaving myself open to that much scrutiny and criticism kind of gives me dry heaves.
But that’s just me. Other people don’t have the same aversion. It’s something we all have to figure out at some point. I just wonder how you go about figuring it out when you’ve already gotten so much attention for putting it all out there. It’s next to impossible to put that genie back in the bottle.